Don’t Eat Fresh
Subway sandwiches are trash.
There’s a hot take for you. Well, maybe not that hot, but somebody had to say it out loud!
Do you like Subway? Maybe we can’t be friends if you do. My list of disgusts is endless and growing everyday:
Subway is one of the largest companies in the world. The world. And they make sandwiches. Sandwiches. I enjoy a sandwich as much as the next bloke. But the sandwiches they put out are so far below average it makes me want to squirt hot mustard in my eyes. I was forced to write this blog.
Let’s break down the freshness these idiots are serving. The bread is made in a lab and smells bad. The deli meat lives in tiny aluminum houses with preservatives painted on top to make it look fresh before its slapped on your $10.49 footlong. The veggies are wet and brown. The sauces are congealed sludge that dominate any sandwich they get near. And don’t even get me started on the fine folks behind the counter “crafting” your sandwich. Check out this video of their all star crew:
At least she was wearing a mask!
I am all for an inexpensive food option for families and singles on the go. But, Subway has lost sight of what might have made them special back in the day. The 5 dollar footlong is something that went away with everyones favorite spokesperson, Jared from Subway. Gulp.
As my research has evolved on this topic, the web of connections gets smaller and more annoying. Turns out this guy named Peter Buck gave a loan of about 1,000 dollars to a guy named Fred DeLuca in order to open a sandwich shop in Connecticut (the homeland of hottakes). Now, this guy Peter grew up in the Great State of Maine (home of the current hottakes HQ ) and loved eating “Italian” sandwiches as a kid. He frequented the Maine born chain “Amato’s' ' with his family. I have personally never been to Amato’s. Perhaps because the idea of a chain sandwich shop has been ruined by its offspring: Subway. I prefer this place called “Sam’s Italian Foods”. It is a small Maine chain that makes delectable Italian subs, but they also do calzones and things of that nature.
Let’s break down the three sandwich shops by location:
Sam’s Italian Foods: 11
Amato’s: 48
Subway: 44,000
You do the math. A true quality over quantity situation.
Peter Buck seemed to begin funding this sandwich enterprise for the right reasons. But by 1974 they began franchising locations around the country. And Subway remains a private company to this day.
Another thing about Subway that gets me all hot and bothered are the advertisements on television. Everybody and their uncle's brother are in these sandwich commercials, and they’re all athletes! Our lord and savior Tom Brady, Steph Curry, Chuck Barkley, Megan Rapinoe, Serena Williams, Derek Jeter, and even the godfather Bill Belichick have been filmed munching a fake sandwich on a park bench. This treasure trove of spokespeople only heightens my anger and contempt for the product. What are they doing? Why are they lying to the world? Oh, wait, casholamoneymoneybingbong. This lil sandwich shop is paying fat stacks to the most famous athletes in the world to promote sandwiches that are indigestible by the common stomach.
Let me paint you a picture. You are on a long car ride home to see your family for the winter holidays. It’s 4pm, the sun is setting, you forgot to eat lunch and the box of Cheez-Its isn’t cutting it. You pull off the highway and follow the signs for food. Soon, you are in a strip mall with stores such as Hobby Lobby, a Wacky Washes Laundromat, LaserZone Laser Tag, a Burlington Coat Factory, and, of course, a Subway sandwich shop. That yellow and green neon sign beckons you to its gates because the heathens at Subway Inc. figured out how to stuff a micro chip in the honey baked ham to program your brain in all sorts of ways. You open the door. Nobody is in sight. The floor is a fake wood linoleum hybrid. You nestle your feet on the black rug that reads “Eat Fresh”. There are cafeteria style booths lining the perimeter of the shop. A neglected and crumpled napkin dons the table nearest to you. An active chocolate milk spill drips and sloshes on the next table. You almost turn around. Then, out of nowhere, a man and a woman appear from backstage. They utter a greeting of some sort. And you are trapped. You choose the Italian Herbs and Cheese Bread. You are too scared to order one of the specialty options so you give instructions to the robot person behind the counter. They slap on a few pieces of wet ham, maybe even a slice of roast beef. Next comes the cheese. The slices stick together and you tell the robot to not worry about it, but they forge ahead and place scraps of provolone with the delicacy of Frankenstein’s Monster. You want to keep it simple, some red onion and lettuce will cover the veggies. Oh, maybe a tomato slice. But once the tomato is on your ‘wich you feel deep regret and sadness, it looks like the eye of a dragon. You ask for light mustard and mayo. But the robot isn’t program for light mode. Sigh.
“Will that be all? Chips and drink?.”
“Yeah, fine.”
“Large?”
“Yeah, whatever".”
“Aight bet, that’ll be $12.97 please.”
You left your wallet in the car, but fumble around your jacket and find a loose 20. The robot cannot compute the change and you stare into their glossy eyes as you ponder telling them to keep it. The chocolate chip cookies look sad and lonely, but it is too late to inquire. The robot finally gets the loose bills and folds your footlong into a long bag. You sit down at a booth next to the chocolate milk spill and unwrap the sub. You take one bite. It’s not going to work out. You get out while you still can and the robots smile and wave. CheezIts will be alright for now.
Stay Curious.
