2023 NFL Notes That Everyone Has Been Asking For (Part 1)
In Part One of howiehottakes’ NFL notes that everyone has been asking for, you will find many things. You will find hot takes, cold takes, predictions, uneducated surmisings, profanity, and truth. I am not an NFL insider, I’m not even a fake NFL insider who reposts the reports of others. I do not watch all the games. I watch a lot of em (thanks Scott Hanson), and I follow the storylines and think thoughts like the rest of the crazy people who follow pro football. Please enjoy a few thoughts on each team from the AFC East and the NFC South.
AFC East
New York Jets aka “We let our QB hijack the season even though he didn’t complete a pass and decided to make a paid tv appearance every week to spout nonsense unrelated to our team winning football games” (7-10)
Fuck the Jets. Please excuse my profanity. But, I mean, am I wrong? This has been the ultimate year to hate the Jets. All walks of life are getting on the bandwagon. Priests, dentists, babies, Fireman Ed, politicians on both sides of the aisle, AI bots, we all hate the Jets! Has their been a team with such a different vibe on the first day the season vs. the last? I’m sure their has. But the ‘23 Jets rank high on that list. I was even excited for their season. Mostly because I hoped they would blow up in flames, but I could never imagine what actually happened.
Fuck Aaron Rodgers. That arrogant ayahuasca fossil. The whole “will he won’t he play” thing was such bullshit. Aaron Rodgers loves pulling the puppet strings of the NFL. But he would never admit to it. He plays fake humble and aloof with a wry smile and goes with the, “I’m just living my life man, all this extra noise is just there so the whole machine can keep their jobs.” Dude, you pretend to be the most “real” guy out there, but the chickens are coming home to roost. OHHHHHHHHH, THEY ARE COMING HOME TO ROOST! Nora Princiotti from The Ringer wrote an exceptional piece about Rodgers’ destruction of the Jets season. Check it out
New England Patriots aka “Yeah, we sucked” (4-13)
Ah, my squad. What a weird season for the P-A-T-S PATS! PATS! PATS! I don’t really know what to say. Everyone knows this was a significant season of underachievement. And coming from the mind of a guy who just learned what exactly cover-3 defense was (it’s a zone defense where you play 4 guys underneath and 3 guys deep), they needed to do so many things better. Here are a few:
- Score more points, give up less points, make more tackles, miss less kicks, turn over the ball less, leave less opportunity for ridiculous hyperbolic “Insider” reports.
They didn’t really do any of those things. Which is a big bummer.
I have a lot of respect for David Andrews (I’ve shaken his hand before but that’s not a big deal), but a Center should not be in the conversation for team MVP. The Pats will dig themselves out of this pit of despair. And they will do it with Bill Belichick as their head coach. You heard it here first. Bill has some life left in the tank. If recent reports are accurate, he might be giving up GM duties. This leaves his sole focus on coaching the chess pieces in front of hi, rather than trying to assemble the game as he plays it. I really hope he does not bring back Josh McDaniels. Josh should go think about things on a beach for a while. We need a new quarterback. We need skill players that aren’t named Juju or Pop. We need a kicker who can make kicks. We need to win more than 4 games.
Buffalo Bills aka “We are not built for this and we hope it’s not too cold at our next home game in Buffalo, NY” (11-6)
I was so happy that the Bills had a “down” year. I know they won’t do diddly squat in the playoffs, they will show their true colors. Why? Because they are soft. The Bills whine and they want things to be handed to them. They think they’ve already won a Super Bowl and their coach apparently likes comparing his team's attitude to that of infamous terrorists. *That story should NOT be washed over. That was a crazy event. If you need more info, just type something of this nature into your fav search engine: “Bills Coach 9/11”.*
Best of luck losing to the Steelers in the Wild Card Round at home, Bills Mafia.
Miami Dolphins aka “We are tougher to catch than a (hair) greased Pig” (11-6)
Mike McDaniel has a lot going on. I work really hard to convince myself I don’t like him. I’m sure I’ll wake up in about 5 years and be ashamed of my younger self for throwing unnecessary shade at an exceptional coach, but for now I’ll live in ignorance. The man uses too much hair grease. And if he doesn't want to have his ankles and shins covered, he should shake everything up and wear shorts during a game. Enough with the pulled up joggers. Also, please, for the love of god, stop wearing sunglasses when the sun is not out. Anyways, the Dolphins had an impressive season and I think they will beat the Chiefs in Arrowhead this Saturday during their game that is exclusively streaming on Peacock.
NFC South
New Orleans Saints aka “We make team decisions without including our head coach who we totally support” (9-8)
I’ve never met a Saints fan. I don’t like much about what they’ve got going on. Dennis Allen belongs on a DIII field. The visor does not work for him. Taysom Hill is a unicorn but also makes nothing look easy. Jameis Winston belongs on a sports talk show for kids- how fun would that be! It seems like Alvin Kamara is never healthy. The Super Dome is dark and dingy. The Saints really have nothing going for them. Derek Carr is not worth it, he is a malcontent evangelist who pretends to care about his teammates and can’t throw a deep post to save his life.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers aka “None of us have ever seen our head coach smile” (9-8)
In the first year of the post Tom Brady era (seems like more than just a year ago) the Bucs majorly overachieved. Todd Bowles was on the hot seat the entire season until about week 12 when everybody woke the hell up and started slurping Baker Mayfield for his above average quarterback play. Although Todd is perhaps the most uninspiring coach at least in terms of optics, the Bucs are in the playoffs and could make a run after a potential sneaky home win against the self-destructing Eagles in the Wild Card Round.
Carolina Panthers aka “Our owner is a chuck the drink and run kind of guy” (2-15)
I can’t believe they managed to win 2 games. What happens if the billionaire owner of your favorite team is the most immature, impulsive, arrogant, and least football wise person in that organization? Well, we’re about to find out. The Washington Commies also provide a solid example of how that goes. The Panthers are stuck with a brat (David Tepper) at the helm while they try to make sense of their new and undersized #1 pick who they asked to throw to a WR core full of ghosts and club-handed practice-squaders. I wonder what lucky coach gets to steer the ship in the right direction, or at least find a bailer large enough to keep the ship from sinking! *The sinking ship metaphor would have worked a lot better for the Buccaneers, but they made the playoffs!*
Atlanta Falcons aka “Our coach tried to make a public display of loyalty and got fired two hours later” (7-10)
The falcons just couldn’t do anything right this season. Desmond Ridder is resoundingly NOT the guy. Bijan Robinson did not get a fair shake. Cordarelle Patterson was also not used properly. Their owner, Arthur Blank, always looks so insecure and scared on the sideline. In my book, the Falcons were the definitive “irrelevant team of 2023”, which has got to count for something. Maybe they’ll do something more interesting with a new coach in 2024, prolly not.
