2023 NFL Notes That Everyone Has Been Asking For (Part 2)
NFC North
Chicago Bears aka “Everybody thinks we suck, but once we start winning games everyone will love us. Right?” (7-10)
Daaaa Buuuers. I like the bears. I like their uniforms, especially the orange ones that harken me back to the days of Devin Hester and Rex Grossman. I like Soldier Field (never been there but it seems cool), I like Justin Fields. I even liked them after I placed a wager on them in Week 1 when they got shellacked by the team from Green Bay. They predictably under-achieved this szn and the list of off season questions remains extensive. I bet they keep their coach and quarterback. They’ll draft Marvin Harrison Jr. and win 8 games next year while the utter disgrace of an on-field product continues to loom over the franchise like the ghost of Dick Butkus.
Green Bay Packers aka “We have a lot of internal issues but everything is fine if we win” (9-8)
The Packers are a weird team. Matt LaFleur takes a lot of heat, and I agree with most of it. His hair is too gelled down, much like Mike McDaniel, and that leads me to believe that they just won’t win football game that matter. However, they just kicked Jerryactric Jones in the balls down in Dallas and have a chance to upset the niners in San Fran. All signs point to the Green Bay Packers once again nailing QB development. They drafted at the right time and Jordan love will be their future. I’m sure the entire organization has forgotten all about that circus clown that used to be their QB. We need the playoffs back at Lambeau field, and we need it now.
Detroit Lions aka “We’re just a bunch of junk yard dawgs who want to bite you in the knees and spit in your face, respectfully” (12-5)
I freaking love the lions. They have the Motor City jumping with their 4th down conversions, extremely caffeinated head coach, bulldozing jitterbug running backs, and predator defense that makes opposing offenses feel like they are in the plains of Africa being stalked by an Apex creature. They Jarred Goff will overcame his doubters and sent Sean McVay to Cabo a little earlier than planned. They earned another home playoff game against Baker Slayfield and the Bucs. I’m pulling for the León’s. Rawr.
Minnesota Vikings “We lost our two best players and actually had no idea what to do the rest of the season” (7-10)
I feel bad for the Vikings. But, I do not feel bad for Alexander Mattison. I drafted that bum in the second round of my fantasy football draft and he’s just not a good football player. I will take some blame, but he can’t run the ball! The Vikes have a young and promising head coach who could lead a healthy team in the right direction. Let’s hope they resign Kirk so he can keep working on that golf course he bought in Minnesota. Kirk is fun and cute unless he takes himself too seriously, which I don’t think he will. He’s also going the same route at Mr. Tom Brady with the hometown discount thing. But also….what if Kirk found his way to New England for a few years??? hmmmm…
AFC West
Kansas City Chiefs aka “We love to complain about the refs and we let that criminal Jackson Mahomes dance on our sideline for fun while Taylor Swift tries to ignore the insufferable Brittany Mahomes” (11-6)
I’m sick and tired of the Chiefs. Patrick Mahomes and company showed some of the whiniest behavior of all time after that no call on “the greatest play of all time”, and nobody was surprised. They are who we thought they were. The WR core should all start a bricklaying business together and the defense looks like they are on rollerblades, even though the media is all crowing about how this is the best their D has looked in years. I like Andy Reid, but his personality weirdly doesn’t fit with everything else they have going on. I think they’ll get their doors blown off in Buffalo this weekend.
Los Angeles Chargers aka “Our roster would be sick for flag football but we get tackled all the time instead” (5-12)
What a disaster down in LA. This is a team with absolutely no identity. They have all these interesting looking players with long arms and excellent Madden speed ratings, but they seem to have a lot of trouble winning football games. Jim Harbuagh could turn the ship around, but does he want to? Dean Spanos and all his fat cat cronies love the bright lights, but they can’t build a team that is meant to shine. They also can’t seem to fill the stadium with fans that wear their jerseys. Justin Herbert is a great guy by all accounts, but his brain and arm seem to fall apart in the big moments. 2024 is a make or break year for the bolts, even though they will be starting fresh with a new coach at the helm.
Denver Broncos aka “Our coach is really mean and arrogant and our fans hate us” (8-9)
The ‘cos are boring, bland, dysfunctional, and sad to think about. They won more games than most people thought, but the whole QB drama saturated the season into oblivion. I don’t have much to say on this team because they don’t have much to offer. They do have some certified dawgs on defense, but unfortunately, nebbish running backs and a group of busts at WR leave a lot to be desired as they averaged 21 points per game. Sean Payton should go and live in a shack far away from other people. He seems like an angry man. I wonder if he has any fun hobbies?
Las Vegas Raiders aka “Thank god we fired Josh McFuckFace, we might have just made the right choice at head coach, and our owner should be kept in captivity for visitors to observe his behaviors” (8-9)
Los Raiders will never win a playoff game in my lifetime. Mark Davis will always get in the way in some shape or form. It appears they’ve just hired Interim Head Coach Antonio Pierce as their full time leader of men. A players coach who won over the fan base in his audition to be the full time guy. Antonio was a scary player back in his day. A true get off the tracks when the train is coming through linebacker, who now gets a chance to do it his way in one of the glitziest cities on the planet. The Raiders need a quarterback who will be able to throw the ball downfield while being protected by a top 10 defensive line. The Davantae Adams situation could blow up if they don’t find a pass thrower who can hit him in the hands. Best of luck to the black and silver.
