Red Zone Diaries - Week 14

It had been weeks since I managed to block off an entire Sunday afternoon to really put my eyes on some NFL football. I was giddy with the idea as I woke up in Millinocket, ME to a pounding snowstorm. 3 hours of driving could turn into more, quickly. But, I managed to navigate the white abyss and made it home in time to watch the Red Zone countdown for 15 minutes. I strapped myself to the couch and settled in.

And, just cause I though it’d be fun. I kept a blank page open on my computer and jotted down anything worth jotting down. I thought I’d share those notes with you. Some observations might be trivial, but it might at least transport you to the planet of an incurable football fan on a Sunday afternoon. I aimed to keep everything in the present tense, syntax police can contact me directly about any issues.

Uncle Scott Hanson welcomes me and everyone else to another dazzling afternoon of football watching. Even though the slate of games was on the shittier side, we’re all just happy to be here.

He announces that all three teams that have exactly 10 wins and 2 wins will be on red zone. Playoff and draft pick implications at play all day!

Scott starting us off strong with the Octo box. Admittedly, they really only go to the Octo box once, but it still gets the viewer their sports bar atmosphere fix and conjures dreams of a 100 inch tv where each window of the octo box appears to be a full sized tv. And, who doesn’t like saying “Octo Box”.

First live snap on the mono box shows Kirk Cousins in his revenge game, and they smartly kept the ball out of Kirk’s hands and ran the ball on the first two plays.

Dolphins are carving the moribund Jets early and often. Jets bailed them out with a pass interference in the end zone.

They showed an early big play in the Titans-Jags game, and I hope that is the only play they show.

TJ Watt is a predator that only attacks endagered species. My god. He could wrestle an angry grizzly bear and take him the distance.

The Buccaneers score an early touchdown on an awesome back shoulder throw from Baker. They might beat the Raiders by 79 points.

Aaron Rodgers looks so slow. His feet do the right thing, but slowly. Sad.

Here’s a pet peeve for you. The producers in charge of the score bug are consistently changing the down to quickly after the completion of the play. There needs to be a grace period between the end of the play and the change of down on the scoreboard. What’s happening is that Red Zone quickly switches to a play, the play ends, I immediately glance at the score bug and it says 3rd down or whatever, and I’m left wondering if the next down is 3rd or if that just happened. Then I have to wait around and stare at the down until it changes, but it doesn’t. Let’s keep it simple people. We can only handle so much computing.

The Vikings can’t block the Falcons. This game might be in trouble.

Aiden O’Connell is horrible. But it’s not his fault. Who’s fault is it again?

First play they show of the Giants-Saints game, a missed field goal by the Saints, lol.

Jameis Winston is a baller. What a throw to Jeudy with 5 left in the first quarter. He looks like such a goofball, shoulder and legs twitching and turning all over the place. What a gift to the NFL.

Mac Jones INT. What a bum. He throws such bad balls. He’s got a very over the top release and these balls just sail on a line over his receivers heads and into the belly of a defender. Bum.

Vikings finally got some positive yards with a swing pass to Aaron Jones. Onward!

Wow! What a moon ball from Darnold! Everyone on the field was confused besides Darnold and Addison. The ball went so high it went well out of the camera frame until it was in Addison’s arms. What a touchdown!

Alvin Kamara needs to get out of New Orleans. He deserves more, Derek Carr doesn’t.

Eagles are off to another slow start against the Panthers. Bryce Young is simulataneosly blooming like a patch of lupines in June. I’m rooting for you, Bryce, but as we all know, lupines only show their colors for a fleating moment.

Drew Lock is 0-8 on passes in the first quarter. Dear God. I bet he wishes this audition tape wasn’t on national television.

Huge INT by the Vikings, thanks Kirk.

Just when I was thinking the Jets are incapable of a chunk play: Rodgers hits Garrett Wilson for 30 yards on 4th and 4. Not pleasantly surprised, just surprised.

Chaisson = Athlete. What and INT for the Raiders. Anddddd then more incompetence with a fumbled snap.

Jets touchdown? What?

Tooshington Pushington Touchdownington. A tale as old as Big Dom’s 15 seconds of fame.

Oh wow a 4th and goal for the Titans! They didn’t get it. Carry on.

The typical early 2nd quarter lull is upon us. Stay with it everybody, we got this.

What a crazy play by the raiders on 3rd and goal. O’Connell looked like he got hit with an arrow as he caught the snap, then just flung it up in the general directrion of generational talent Brock Bowers, who was being mauled by a defender. Pass interferece, re-rackem.

Panthers might beat the Eagles (probably not), but Bryce Young is ballin!

A peculiar holding penalty was called on the Falcons, on a…Vikings field goal attempt? I’ll take it.

Quick hiatus (bathroom) = missed some plays.

What was that Baker? A wounded duck INT at the end of the first?

Oh good, we’ve got a Simpsons themed broadcast tomorrow night. I’ll be sure to unplug my television for that.

Another small hiatus during halftimes and early 3rd quarter. We’re back to being locked in. The Witching Hour is really where the money gets made anyways.

Panthers with a big 3rd down - timeout. The Panthers! On 4th down! I might be Bryce Young’s biggest fan.

The Buccaneers need to pull away, good god.

Steelers are a wagon. Russell is in the midst of an ethereal renaissance.

Falcons just kicked a field goal, not happy.

Big challenge in the Panthers game. I say that Hubbard got it- touchdown. Let’s see what the zebras say. …..Sad.

Sam Darnold just made the best play of his career. 52 yards. Wow.

Jags just scored their first points of the game, in the 4th quareter. 6-3 Titans lead.

Are the Eagles in panic zone? Down 16-14 at the start of the 4th quarter?

Big stop by the Steelers on 4th down- I knew this was a locksmith.

Falcons are hanging around - a big score at the end of the 3rd quarter. Rat farts. Two point conversion = tie game.

Eagles just took the lead back. missed extra point- but a penalty on the play - #thebeaufitulgame

Tuddddddiess in Pitssburgeh- Scott Hanson says the Steelers are opening it up!

3:22pm = witching hour.

Darnold is engaging in a blitzkrieg out here today. My lawd.

We’re seeing way to much of this Titans - Jags game, even though its 10-6. Close game does not = time on my tv.

Rae Rae Mcloud with the fumbleeeee. Falcons should pack up the season and go to Cabo.

Calvin Ridley thought he was smart and jumped out of bounds with a ticking clock, but he was short of the 1st down, on 3rd down. lol.

• incomplete pass on 4th down. Sad.

We get to see Saquon Barkley break the Eagles single season rushing record. Gotta love history! #giantsfrontoffice

Wilbert Montgomery held the record before Lesean McCoy broke it. Thanks for the fun fact Scott!

Buccaneers with a nice insurance touchdown. Yay.

Massive 4th down in Miami. Comon fish!

• Touchdown Tyreek! Now need the 2 point to tie…

• They got it! Tie game! Jets gonna Jet.

Jags snap a 5 game losing streak. All hail Mac Jones. Still a bum.

Desmond Ridder in at qb for the Raiders as Bowers broke the rookie TE receiving record. He is so awesome.

Vikings INT - love it!

Panthers with their backs against the wall, down 6, 98 yards in 2:30 minutes. I’ve got no skin in the game but lets go cats!

• What a play by Bryce! escapes the sack and slings one to Legette!

• No timeouts on this drive, thanks coach.

• Went deep on 3rd down, ill advised into double coverage. need a conversion on 4th

• What a play! Thielen with a catch on 4th down!

• OMG - A DEEP BALL THAT IS RULED INCOMPLETE - CHECK THE TAPE!!!

  • NO CHALLENGES. DAMMIT

  • I guess it wasnt a catch…damnit Legette.

• Throwaway on 3rd down. Game on the line. 4th down, lets go

• Incomplete on 4th down. sad. But a penalty marker?!?

  • illegal blindside block on the Panthers. Game over. Sad.

Raiders just kicked a cute little field to go down by 8.

Can Aaron Rodgers go tit for tat late in the game?

• Incomplete pass on 3rd down. :)

• No, and red zone showed very little of his attempt to do so.

New drive for the Jets

• Garrett Wilson is pretty good.

• 3rd and a yard. Miami needs a stop.

  • Timeout- jackasses.

• Bashing 3rd down run from Braelon Allen.

• Need another stop.

• Big play into field goal range, Damn.

• Rodgers is sacked!

• Got a little yardage back with a pass to Adams - huge field goal incoming.

• Anders Carlson….made it…Jets 26-23…52 seconds left.

  • Horrible clock management by the Jets. Waaaaay to much time when they didn’t have to leave so much.

• Wow, big return for Miami. Need some yards for a field goal try.

• Huge play to Tyreek out of bounds…Jets gonna Jet.

• 35 seconds left…incomplete pass.

• Complete pass to the 34 - go for it all here!

  • Incomplete, damn. field goal time.

• Jason Sanders is about to save my bacon (tie the game). Come on Jason! dont want it, need it.

  • He hit it! Tie game!

• 7 seconds left for Rodgers. Pack it up and play for OT?

Vikings are piling it on the Falcons. 21 point lead, late. Ca-ching!

Meanwhile, Drew Lock might be leading the Giants on a game winning drive…

• Derek Carr headed to the sidelines.

• Drew Lock threw a pick - pack it up.

A nice little muffed punt by Kadarius Toney of the Browns - pack it up.

My god, I need some fresh air.

Our first look at the Cardinals-Seahawks game - a TD pass from Kyler to Michael Wilson!

Arizona’s black uniforms are sick, by the way.

Wow, they keep showing us the Giants game. No point.

• Although, Drew Lock did just run for like 40 yards on 4th down. Nice.

• Maleek Nabers is a wiggle monster - they have a chance to win, and defintely tie with a field goal. (down 14-11)

  • Offsides by the saints on the next play, beautiful stuff.

  • Whoops, false start on the giants, even more beautiful.

• Graham Gano with a field goal to tie the game!

  • Um, what was that? Just a bunt shank? Wow - horrible!

  • It was blocked - damn. The brown bags are out at the Meadowlands. At least they covered 5 1/2!

I need to take a break and get my life in order after this Jets- Dolphins game.

• Dolphins have the ball first in OT, lets ride.

• Oh good, Jonnu Smith finally caught a ball.

  • Same play again, two first downs, wow.

• Dolphins are carving up the Jets. End it now.

• “Jonnu Smith, touchdown, Dolphins win!” - Kevin Harlan

Interesting late window of games.

The niners might fuck around and beat the bears by 34. Which nobody thought would happen, so it’ll happen.

Geno Smith just threw a beautiful pass to JSN to take a 10-7 lead.

Taking a break, I’ll be back.

Picking back up early in the 3rd quarter of the 4:25 games.

Matt Stafford just threw the best deep ball of the season. And wow. They just called it back. Off setting pass interference calls. That is insane. That has to be a no call every time. My god. Best deep ball and worst penalty call of the season on the same play. I love the NFL.

The Bears are down 24-0. Yikes. But they have a first and goal. Comeback?

• Nice throw and catch from Caleb Williams- pretty.

• The Bears go for two, and don’t get it. Math added up if they got it, but they didn’t, so.

Meanwhile, the Rams are boatracing the Bills. Did anyone have that?

Cute little underhand shovel from Kyler Murray.

• Speaking of going for two, the Cardinals inadvertantly do just that and are successful. But I have a qualm. They were down 27-16 before the try. That’s 11 points. An extra point would make it a 10 point game, but they wanted to cut it to 9. This debate will never end, especially with stuff like that. We’ll see how the math adds up at the end of the game, but even though they got it, still a crazy move. And their kicker is balling out doing double duty as the punter- he’s hot!

The Bills just had a 1st and 30 and worked that into a few plays followed by a 51 yard dash by Khalil Shakir. Probably 42 yards after the catch. The Rams can’t tackle, but extremely impressive nonetheless.

I think the Cardinals might come back and win this game - down 9 now.

• 3 and out. Never mind, probably.

Tom Brady losing his voice is hilarious. He’s doing well though. I’m happy for you, Tom.

The Rams might be in trouble here. Down by 10 early in the 4th and Josh Allen is shapeshifting.

Isaac Guerendo headed to the locker room. Do the niners have any running backs left?

Cardinals lose. Sad.

Bills - Rams is the only game that should be watched now. 38-35 with 8 minutes left. Get yourself a tall glass of water and settle in.

• The Rams are not done yet. Nacua with a big play.

This is when the Red Zone idea fails. The Cardinals are down 12 with under 20 seconds left and we are split screening and jumping back and forth between that garbage and the Bills game. Exhausting and nobody cares. They weren’t even in commercial- Tom was probably talking about how awesome Josh Allen is. Cardinals game just ended, thanks for your time.

Now we’re doing it with the niners game. Feel the moment a little.

Bears - Niners ended, so ironically RedZone made me change the channel for the first time today. We’ll finish up the Bills - Rams game on Fox.

What a game. What a performance by Josh Allen. He must be silently accosting the defense. Can’t give up that many points in January!

What a fun afternoon. I didn’t see every play, but show me a person who did and I’ll show you a slug. If you made it this far, I owe you a high five. Thanks and come again.