Ahhhhhhh. (that was an exhale) 

The snow has melted in coastal Maine. Power has been restored to most homes. And it’s Masters week. Rejoice! Alarum! Sound the bells! 

First off, what a fun finish in San Antonio. Only Akshay and Denny remembered the Alamo. They both finished 9 clear of the 3rd place finisher (a guy named Rory). Akshay bested Denny on the first playoff hole, but let’s rewind for a sec. 

Denny went full bananalands mode on Sunday. He shot a 28 on the back while birdieing the last 7 holes. He clutched up once again and made a putt on 18 to force Akshay into a must make scenario, and Akshay rolled ‘er right in. Then came the playoff. 

Akshay had let out a seemingly harmless celly while celebrating the last putt. He kind of wound up his left arm in a few circular fist pumps. They traveled back to the 18th tee to start the playoff. NBC had a hilarious drone image following their golf carts. Denny biffed his drive into the right rough. Akshay blasted one down the left center. Denny laid up, Akshay laid up. Denny went worm hunting and completely chunky McChunkerson’d his approach into the crik. DRAMA. Then, out of nowhere. Akshay is calling for a trainer. He needed to be wrapped right away. His shoulder could not manage a flip wedge. A bizarre scene ensued as the well intentioned physio was escorted onto the fairway, and then he and Akshay found a little tree to hide behind so they could apply a restrictive tape of some kind. NBC cut to commercials. When they came back on air, Akshay was miraculously over the ball, ready to hit. He clipped a beauty of a wedge to 5 ft. Nobody cared what happened to Denny now. He had to hole out his drop from the fairway to stay alive, and he did not. Akshay sauntered up to the green and slotted the birdie putt for good measure. Tournament over. What a wacky way to kick off Masters week!

The birds are chirping as I write this. Easter is in the rearview, St. Paddy’s day has passed, the sun was eclipsed, we can all focus on the important things in life now. Like the weather in Augusta, Georgia this week. 

For this blog we are not following a rigid format. We are not tackling only the big stories. I might make some takes that are unapologetically dumb. I’m gonna run through some guys in alphabetical order (if you read my previous post you know I love the alphabet). I will offer my best bets of the week at the end. But you can wait for that dessert and stay for the shrimp scampi. Here is the shrimp scampi:

*Before we go alphabetical, my beloved Keith Mitchell is not in the field. This will hopefully add some fuel to his fire. Keith and his cashmere sweaters belong at Augusta. Until next year. Let’s go win a golf tournament this year Keith!*

The player list on the Masters website is second to none. It is uniform, informative, and funny in the right places. All of the player profile photos are taken in the follow throughs of their swings. And you can tell a lot about a guy by their facial expressions in this circumstance.

 If you want, you could be to open up this link and follow along with the pics as you read this: https://www.masters.com/en_US/players/player_list.html 

• Starting at the top: Ludvig Aberg knows what the fuck he is doing. He can seem affable and maybe even goofy on the course. But this guy has all the makings of an assassin (on the golf course, of course). I don’t expect him to contend in his first Masters. But maybe he’ll shoot a 66 on Friday and get his name fluttering across the grounds. 

• Keegan Bradley looks tired. I felt for Keegan throughout the Full Swing Ryder Cup sitch. But he just looks tired, and has looked tired on the course this year. Keegan is a bit of a unicorn. He plays the role of the small town New England kid, wears the Sox cap, but then he is also tight with MJ? Puzzles me sometimes. I don’t expect much out of Keegan. 

• Patrick Cantlay looks like he just farted. Patrick lives in a weird world of his own creation. I wouldn’t be surprised if ole Pat takes some time off from golf to take an internship at Goldman Sachs. The tool man has all the tools, and he doesn’t have to be charismatic just cause I say so. But I still get the heebie jeebies watching him lope around the course. I hope he doesn’t show up this week, but he might. His stats are not eye popping this year and a green jacket might make him look too likable. 

• Wyndham Clark looks like he loves his own golf swing. This guy doesn’t really do it for me. But he has shown up under the bright lights in the last 9 months. This is his first Masters appearance and that usually means a 78 on Thursday or Friday and an MC. His SG stats are all there, but does he have the most important ability (availability)? Murmurs of a tweaked back in Houston add a few question marks. I also just don’t think he is a killer. I think he got a little taste at the US Open and is making things too formulaic now. He might get into some whining, some why is everything happening to me, and then he will crumble. Don’t waste your money on Clark!

• Corey Conners looks like Ryan Fox, and he might do some things this week. Maybe a top 20? He’s 4th is SG approach to green. Buuuut, 161st in putting, yikes. He’s made 4/6 cuts at The Masters and might be sleepy enough to slip into a top 20. Keep a lazy eye on the Canuck. 

• Freddy Couples is looking Angelic as usual. The Masters tally marks might be reaching their end soonish, but let’s all enjoy the supple swing of Mr. Couples while we can. 

• This Santiago de la Fuente character has my ears perked up. Just his photo alone makes me want to ask him about his enemies from middle school. I bet this kid has absolutely roasted some folks on the playground, or maybe the putting green, idk. The Mexican won the Latin America Amateur Championship in January which auto exempted him into The Masters, US Open, and The Open. He has played twice in the Mexico Open at Vidanta, finishing T46 this year. Take that to the bank and cash it (still an amateur tho). I can’t find too much detail on his personality. But I will be plugging his name into my #favorites on the app so I can follow along. Watch out for Santi!

• Matt Fitzpatrick looks like he still has braces, but he might turn some heads with his golf swing too. He is not quite a household name yet. But maybe a top 5 at The Masters would slot himself into the minds of the casual fan more often. Matt is a robotic striper of the ball and has probably created 3D renderings of Augusta on his computer from memory. 

• Thergio Garcia looks like he needs less logos on his hat. The 2017 champ got mildly humiliated yesterday after losing in a playoff at LIV Doral. So maybe he’s just burning to have another scissor kick moment. Idk what to expect out of Serg, but don’t be surprised if his experience and fire allow his name near the top of the leaderboard. 

• Stew Hagestad is the people’s golfer. Well, some people’s golfer. The 6 '5 Hagestad is 32 years old and has never given up his amateur status. I think he works in consulting which of course allows him unlimited PTO days to golf in premier amateur tournaments, and this year, The Masters for the third time. Maybe he works from home in the Crow’s Nest? Stretch will be out and about at Augusta but let’s not kid ourselves about some Cinderella, rags to riches story. This guy grew up in Newport Beach, and he also won’t be contending. 

• Brian Harman is the King of the #shortkings, and MegaCorp sounds like such a haughty sponsor. Brian might get some shit done this year. There’s always content flying around about how this course is built for drawers of the golf ball, well, that only applies to righties. Brian is a lefty, buuuut he also tends to draw it. Idk. Maybe he can fade it this week. We’ll see. If this guy speeds up his play I might be a burgeoning #fanboy. Brian might be appearing in some recommended bets at the end of this piece. He’s only made ⅖ cuts at The Masters, but he’s playing some excellent golf this year. Hey Brian, what does it say your height is on your driver's license?

• Tyrell Hatton is going to be so angry with how he plays all week. 

• Russell Henley will make noise. Not a lot to say about him, but book a Top 10 for Mr. Consistency. 

• Max Homa makes me happy, but he doesn’t look happy in that photo, and he probably isn’t happy with how he has played recently. I hope he does well. Although I’m not betting on him.

• Viktor Hovland needs to show something, and not just the insane clothes that usually cover him. He might bury himself down the leaderboard once again after finishing last season with golden wings poised for takeoff. I like Vik, but I can only take so much disappointment. 

• Sungjae Im looks like he’s having a great time, but he has been a massive disappointment this year. I love Mr. Im. He’s a grinder, and he has an aspirationally unique swing and technique. But he can’t win. With Willy Wilcox on the bag, maybe he will be loose and not let the mind zombies creep into his swing thoughts. I’m pulling for you Sungjae, but you shot an 80 LAST Friday. 

• Zach Johnson is such a squid. If the Masters ever reconsiders their lifetime exemption for past champions, start with Captain America. Jeez Louise does this guy just ooze #loser. 

• Chris Kirk needs to bring sunblock and his A game this week. This guy is a pro’s pro. Strikes the ball as pure as you can, shoots low numbies, and has his head on straight. He’s made ¾ cuts at The Masters as he continues to surprise each year on the Tour. I think we could see a top 10 from Chris. Book it. 

• Jake Knapp looks like he is starring in the the next Hollister commercial. This guy has such a sweet swing. But the setting and juice of the moment might make his mind wander. I think Augusta will chew him up and spit him out. 

• Brooks Koepka could finish last in a golf tournament, divorce his wife, have his boat and sneaker collection stolen, and still win a Major the next week. Brooks has been relatively quiet, except for some videos on social media where we see him talking about golf as a reaction sport (initial yawn but I kinda get it for a pro). I like Brooks. He zigs, or maybe he zags, anyways he wants to be different. He also wants to slit your throat at a major. I also just caught wind of a putter change: Brooks is axing a Scotty Cameron and going for the mallett. He’s a safe top 20 bet. But go deeper if you want to. 

• I love Shane Lowry. He is the real People’s Golfer, and I think he might win the golf tournament. Tentatively book it. 

• No one is more fired up for Augusta than Peter Malnati. What kind of bucket hat rotation with Peter display this weekend if he makes the cut?

• I have very high hopes for the steady Hideki Matsuyama. He is 1st is SG around the green which bodes well for a trip to Augusta. If his ball striking is off, which it won’t be, he will be able to scramble his way to a good score. He has also been stalking leaderboards all season long.  There is just a massive green light by Hideki’s name. Book the 2021 winner for a top 5 finish. 

• I hope Denny McCarthy feels ok after Sunday’s finish. For us plebeians, it is always the one good shot that brings us back. Hopefully for Denny, that one bad shot will not stick with him too long. Denny can putt, Denny can drive it, and Denny can hit greens. But can he do it at Augusta in his first appearance? I’m not sure.

• Ssshh. Nobody talk about Rory McIlroy. Everybody shut the hell up. Rory finished 3rd at the Valero. Which I believe was a better result for him than a victory. He played solid golf and gave himself a running start. When the expectations are low, he can keep his mind quiet. So once again, everybody shut the hell up. 

• Adrien Meronk looks so fucking confused in his bio pic. Go check it out. I have no idea what the man from Poland will do this week. At the very least, the Digital Marketing folks at Augusta can snap a better picture of him. 

• Phil Mickelson looks exactly like we thought he would. Phil has really calmed down the last few years. He probably still pisses people off, but he isn’t yapping and tweeting all day long. He also finished 2nd in The Masters last year, that’s not nothing. By the way, the LIV guys should not be wearing their team unis at this tournament. 

• Taylor Moore just looks like a goof ball.

• Jose Maria Olazabal has had enough of this tournament.

• Scottie Scheffler will win The Masters. Nice of everybody else to show up. 

• Neal Shipley was made to be a villain in a high school golf movie, if there ever was one.

• Jasper Stubbs might have been Jake Knapp before Jake Knapp was Jake Knapp. Best of luck to the amateur from Australia who I know nothing about. 

• Oh, Tiger Woods. He’s in the tournament. But will he be there on Saturday and Sunday? I don’t think so. I have a major beef with how Tiger wears his golf shirt with a sweater over it. It always bulges and folds over the top. Just let the collar hang over the crewneck sweater goddammit.  

• Will Zalatoris will finish in the top 10 this week.

I gotta say, I am very excited for the whole gang to be back together. LIV and the PGA Tour together. Tensions are relatively low. Everyone is laser focused. 

The weather looks crispy. Um, I know we can’t trust the Apple weather app with our lives. But, they’ve got a full sun emoji on Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday in Augusta. My lord. Let the balls thud, roll, and ricochet around and don’t let them come to rest until they want to. @GLENBURNZ and I will be driving south on Friday, and we will keep you all informed with any relevant updates.

Here are my best bets of the week:

DON’T BET:

• Patrick Reed (loser/weenie)

• Sungjae Im (makes me sad but he sucks rn)

• Tiger Woods 

• Low Amateur: Stewart Hagestad

DO BETS (I’m not betting all of these, but I like ‘em all:

• Low Amateur: Santiago de la Fuente. (kid could start a fire by clapping his hands)

• Top 20: Chris Kirk

• Top 20: Peter Malnati

• Top 20: Camillo Villegas

• Top 10: Brian Harman

• Top 10: Russell Henley

• Top 10: Will Zalatoris

• Top 5: Brooks Koepka

• Top 5: Hideki Maysuyama

• Top 5: Jason Day

• Tentative Winner: Shane Lowry

• Winner: Scottie Scheffler

Well folks, if you made it this far, thank you. I have come a long way from my 772 word 2023 preview. May you win some of your bets and please enjoy Masters week responsibly. Get your gnome before they are sold out!

Alarum! Sound the bells! Spring anon!