Here is something that you have to see to believe. As you know, I posted my AFC preview prior to Week 1, on September 5th. The NFC North and South were written at the same time, but not the East and West. Thus, the North and South stayed in production until now. Below you lie my North and South predictions written in early September, completely unedited or changed in any way. You might be asking yourself, how hot were my takes? Read for yourself. 

NFC South

New Orleans Saints: The Saints have been in neutral since Brees took his talents to the couch. A massive renovation to the dome in Nola might make things look shinier on the outside, but Derek Carr is still the QB. Dennis Allen is sitting on a seat of flames as the season begins. Balls could always bounce their way, but Derek Carr might wear too much eye shadow to see his receivers clearly. Cam Jordan leaves a defense of guys I mostly have never heard of before. Their kicker has a horrible name, Blake Grupe. Grupe, uninspiring. The honey badger will once again try to revive his career but I think the Saints are just a bunch of washed up whiners. Mediocrity will find them. 

Uh oh. The Saints have put up 1,000 points in the first two games. Given, they cranked the sorry ass Panthers in week 1. But were you not impressed when they went into Jerry World and almost put up a 50 burger?

Carolina Panthers: Bryce Young is a feeble house cat. As a man of elf-like stature myself, I feel his pain. But I also have never aimed my life in the direction of becoming an NFL quarterback. The problems with the Panthers start at the top. David Tepper is a mentally unstable dictator. New head coach Dave Canales has his plate full of problems to solve and questions to answer. I wish him the best. The Panthers are in the same uniform purgatory as the Jags. Black and light blue is so bad. Toss a little gross metallic silver in there and you have yourself a shit sandwich. Their skill position players are uninspiring and old. If Bryce Young really proves his uselessness, the Red Rocket (Andy Dalton) might be able to throw his hat in the ring of disaster. Best of the luck to the Panthers. Give me all the Xavier Legette interviews but I genuinely see one or two wins on their schedule. Yeesh.

Ok, these takes all look really good. The feeble house cat is out, the Red Rocket is in. He might as well just fire off 4 wins and call it a career. 

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: The Bradyless Bucs surprised a lot of ignorant folks last season, including myself. Baker is sparky and likes to play on momentum. I am a Rachaad White fan, he gets touches in all kinds of ways. Mike Evans should find some comfort in a secured bag of cash. I took a flyer on rookie running back Bucky Irving in a late round of a fantasy draft. I like his name. They’ve got some big dogs on defense, Vita Vea being one. I think the Bucs could have a successful season in the scope of their trashy division. A pretty similar result to last season could be in the cards if their stars stay off the injury report. 

Hey this one is not looking too bad either. Chris Godwin looks like he’s 21 and Baker is dealing. Keep it rolling Bucs! 

Atlanta Falcons: Kirk the Jerk looks to revive a moribund period of Falcons football. First year head coach Raheem Morris seems likeable. Gotta be honest I’ve got a pretty big blindspot on the Falcons. Kyle Pitts could pop off. Matt Judon is a fresh face. The Patriots did what they had to do btw. The Michael Penix draft pick still baffles me. The timing and the money and the all of it just doesn’t make sense. But maybe that’s why I am not a NFL General Manager. This division sucks, and the Falcons should benefit. 

The Falcons looked bad in week 1. But a wild finish against the Eagles in week 2 might propel them into hyper drive. 

Howie’s Div. Winner: In the worst division in football, Kirk the Jerk Cousins will lead the Falcons to a division title. 

NFC North 

Detroit Lions: I love the Lions. I love their style of play, I love their players, and I love their coaches. Fun fact: the only NFL game I have ever been to was in Detroit. The Lions are my pick to win the Super Bowl. I have put my money where my mouth is. Sit back and watch the Lions take over the NFL. 

Disappointing loss against the Bucs. Goff can’t throw two shitty interceptions and expect to get away with it. I still love the lions. Roar on!

Green Bay Packers: Ok, so the Packers already played a game. They looked ok. They made the Eagles look better than they should have. I still like the Packers chances this year, even with Love out for a few weeks. Jaire Alexander was and will be a hound on the back end. Josh Jacobs will keep rolling, and Reed looks like a bonafide #1 reciever. Hopefully the Pack can weather the storm these next few weeks and keep pace in a tough division. 

You know the Colts are really bad when Malik Willis is able to sneak away with a dub. For my fantasy team's sake I hope Love comes back sooner than later. But until then the Pack need to get lucky. 

Chicago Bears: Bears fans are bound to be disappointed, right? Caleb Williams and all of his star powered baggage will debut against a shitty Titans team. Soldier Field will be buzzing. Coach Fluss will be freshly groomed. The Bears could be exciting if they stay healthy. But I don’t see them as a serious contender in year one of this new era. They’ll have some surprising wins and terrible losses. And we have to remind ourselves that they are still Daaaa Bears. 

I’m still not convinced by the Bears. The O line might land Caleb on the injury report very soon, but they kept it close against the Texans in a slop fest. They’ve got two easy ones coming up against the Colts and the Rams. 

Minnesota Vikings: The poor Vikings. JJ McCarthy will watch Sammy Darnold throw 37 int’s from the sidelines. I like Kevin O’Connell, but I think this is another year of mediocre outcomes for the Vikes. I have them losing to a bad Giants team in week 1. They will either be a laughing stock or hover around .500, nothing more. Maybe next year Minnesota. 

Howie Cold Takes reporting for duty. Sam Darnold is balling! Justin Jefferson being injured sucks for the surprising 2-0 Vikes. Who knows what will come of this team. 

Howie’s Div. Winner: Best Division in football. The Lions will win the division on their way to a Super Bowl Championship. Defend the Den!

That was fun. I’ll post the East and West in a separate blog to let this one get the air it needs. I’d say I did pretty well with my predictions. What team are you surprised by so far this season?