Happy Opening Day. Here’s a quick blurb about every team in the AFC containing everything you need to know about that team.

AFC North 

Pittsburgh Steelers: The Steelers will win 8, 9, or 10 games. There is no wiggle room there. George Pickens has the potential to be breathtaking on a loopy deep ball from Russell Wilson. Does Arthur Smith have the stones to dial up the deep ball as much as the fans deserve it? That’s a question to ask. I do hear that Arthur Smith loves play action. Will TJ Watt play less than 50% of the games due to 3 separate injuries? Probably. Mike Tomlin always gets these guys ready behind the Steel Curtain. Patrick Queen joins a veteran defense, but the Steelers are good for a road loss in the playoffs at best. 

Cincinnati Bengals: Nobody knows what the 2024 season will look like for the Bengals, especially the Bengals. Joe Cool is back with his icy hair and limp wrist. I think they could be good for 11-12, maybe even 13 wins. They’ll win at least 1 out of two games against the Ravens, and they have an easy schedule with half of their games against mediocre and potentially horrid teams. I am buying the Bengals. Some Private Equity juggernaut should invest in the team in Cincinnati and pump some spending money into that operation. (shout out to Jamar Chase and the scholars on the TrapDraw Podcast)

Baltimore Ravens: The Ravens will be good. But how good? Playoff wins good? Super Bowl good? This current generation (Lamar) of the Ravens have not proven anything through the playoffs. But hey, every team hasn’t done it until they do it. This could very well be the season the Ravens shut everyone up. We need a break from the Chiefs anyways. Derrick Henry is an interesting pickup that had a lot of juice when it happened, but the flames have died a bit. There is a general trend of devaluing RB’s, and I don’t disagree. But Derrick Henry is probably different. We’ll see how he jives with the Black and Purple. Also, the Ravens released some horrible alternate uniforms this summer. I don’t have the image in front of me, but you will know them when you see ‘em. 

Cleveland Browns: What kind of PT therapy (massage) do the Browns offer in their facility? Deshean Watson leads the dawg pound into another season that is sure to disappoint. A bruising defense leaves way to an offense that is like a vacuum that doesn’t quite work properly. It looks like all the parts and pieces are there, but it can’t quite get the job done. Jerry Jeudy is on the Browns now, David Njoku is still on the Browns. But can those guys catch footballs like it says they should be able to in the job description? Will Famous Jameis get the chance to lead his disciples to the promised land? We would know more about Stefanski if he was a worse coach, but the Brown just don’t inspire too much enthusiasm. They are a playoff buffer team at best. 

Howie’s Div. Winner: In the second best division in football, the Bengals will be division winners. 

AFC West 

Los Angeles Chargers: The Chargers are a similar vacuum to the Browns. The O line is significantly bolstered. And Justin Herbert’s humble ego the size of Oregon could carry them to some wins, but nothing meaningful in the playoffs. I’m generally a Harbaugh guy, but his antics in the NFL may be too rich for my blood. The elevator incident from a few weeks ago was an inside job and a piece of newspeak. Ladd McKonkey is a sparky rookie and a member of the bench squad on one of my fantasy teams. I wish the Chargers well, but they will still be hated for their mediocrity. 

Las Vegas Raiders: The Raiders will win games they should lose and lose games they should win. Maxx Crosby is a terror to every QB he sees, but his game breaking plays won’t impact a better team enough. Who is the quarterback? Minshew? I don't know guys, usually a career backup has success when they pop into the spotlight in week 7 after the starter shatters their femur. But Minshew was the best you got? I hope the shitty QB play propels my dawg Zamir White into a rambunctious role in the backfield. Antonio Pierce has a lot to prove in his first full season in the captain’s chair. How many Raider games is Brady scheduled to call this year?

Kansas City Chiefs: The Chiefs won the Super Bowl last year, and the Chiefs are good again. Xavier Worthy is worth the price of admission, even if his targets don’t reflect his value in year one. I hate the Chiefs and everything the Mahomes family stands for. 

Denver Broncos: Nobody should trust the Broncos. Sean Payton has been squawking about how sparky his young squad is. Save it, Sean. You like the young players because those are the only ones the GM George Payton (no, not General George S. Patton) gave you to play with. Anyone else notice how Sean Payton is always pursing his lips? He looks like a kid who just ate their first sour skittle. Throw the visor in a storm drain and win some ball games before you keep talking about your place in the order of the greatest coaches of all time. If the Broncos win 6 games, they should be thrilled. 

Howie’s Div. Winner: Chiefs, duh. 

AFC East

New England Patriots: Okay. It is what it is. The Pats are going to be so bad. The offensive line is like swiss cheese after you take scissors to it. Jacoby Brissett is like the guy the militia would send out to scout the British. They knew he wouldn’t make it. Drake Maye gets me excited, but he doesn’t need to play this season unless Brissett is so unremarkable that he makes the guaranteed losses look even worse. Defense will be solid, but won’t win games. Veterans and a winning scheme will carry them into low scoring games, but the offense is a lame duck. I do like Alex Van Pelt in the OC role. But everything could change in a few weeks if we can’t make Brissett comfortable enough to compete. I have never entered a Patriots season in this position, my expectations are paper bag worthy. I placed a wager on their Under 4 ½ wins for the season. And I feel great about it. A proper rebuild should be acknowledged and attained. 

New York Jets: The Jets gonna Jet (hopefully). These guys love the buzz. And their roster might just back it up this year. Talent abounds in Florham Park, but do the impending roadblocks of an upcoming NFL season have enough juice to derail the Jets like years past? I really hope so. The tide of the NFL ebbs in peculiar ways, but I refuse to believe the Jets will ever enjoy the slack tide of a dynasty like the Patriots had. #buttfumbleforever. 

Miami Dolphins: I will never say I “like” the dolphins. As in, root for them in a fanlike fashion. But, for the purpose of this very professional blog, I like the dolphins. I think they will win a lot of games. The end of their last season was objectively comical. They got frozen by the temps and the Chiefs. But mostly the temps. It is honestly a nice reminder of humanity that a tropical climate based team finds intense distress when playing in the frozen plains. The weapons that are bought in for another ride in are noticeable, and Tua got his bag. But will Mike McDaniels wearing sunglasses on a cloudy day prevent them from taking the next step? Yeah. Stay away from an overzealous commitment to the Dolphins. They will be perky all season but die a quick death sometime in January. 

Buffalo Bills: The Bills have had a wild last 5 years. So many ups and downs you would think they could have knocked off a Super Bowl Championship by now. But they haven’t. They always find a way to come up a bit short. I’m not really sure how the Bills could have gotten better this offseason. They did offload the Diggs drama. Shame that didn’t work out, smh. The departures of Micah Hyde and Jordan Poyer will be felt in the safety position. Those guys give Cam Newton and Mac Jones nightmares, by god. James Cook has yet to smash his name into the top RB class, and the receiver position got updated with a vet in Curtis Samuel, but he is on the injury report with a toe situation. Did you know Marques Valdes-Scantling was on the Bills?

Howie’s Div. Winner: Dolphins. Gimme a couple home playoff games in South Beach (Miami Gardens). 

AFC South

Tennessee Titans: The Titans will be bad. Will Levis is duller than the titans color scheme. They’ve got some long armed dawgs on defense, but their roster looks like a jumbled mess of folks trying to earn a new deal or wallowing on prove it deals. Deandre Hopkins is old as dirt and his production is sparse. Tony Pollard is interesting, but the Cowboys let him walk for a reason. Calvin Ridley won’t do much more than catch a few jump balls from Levis. I’ll put it this way, if you drafted a Titans player on your fantasy team, don’t try to trade them, just drop them.

Jacksonville Jaguars: The Jags are hilarious. They are in permanent horrible uniform purgatory. I saw a tweet this summer about their new jersey combo or design, and it was exactly what they have always worn. Even when they try to make a change people need a magnifying glass to see it. The teal and gold will live in my head, rent free, for the remainder of my days. In terms of the football team, they are in the middle of the pack. Too shy to break out but lucky enough to not be in the basement. Brian Thomas Jr. is going to lead this team in receptions and yards. He’s a beast and will put himself in the same category as other LSU wr’s in the NFL very soon. They picked up Darnell Savage to hold down the safety position. I like a savage. I see about five guaranteed wins on their schedule. Will they elevate to a .500 team and maybe squeak into the playoffs? Or will Trevor and Travis leave more doubts about the coaching they received in college from Reverend Swinney?

Indianapolis Colts: I don’t know what everyone else knows about Anthony Richardson, that I don’t know. He has played 4 games in the NFL. I studied enough statistics in college to know that sample size is pretty important. I’ll believe Richardson is for real when I see it myself. Jonathan Taylor could reinsert his name at the top of the running back class, but question marks swirl his potential. Michael Pittman is scary for opposing defenses, but not terrifying. Anthony Richardson could be popcorn, and I hope my takes are wrong. But I just think we need to slow down a bit until he plays a full season. Colts will hover around .500 all season.

Houston Texans: I love the Texans. I think they are a serious contender in the AFC. The buzz is real down there. The defense has some carnivores in Danielle Hunter and Will Anderson. They’ve got a lot of other fun names on their first string defense too, guy’s like Henry To’oto’o and Folorunso Fatukasi. I bet they’ll be great. Diggs is going to flash so hard in Houston. Deep balls will be scraping the dome ceiling all season. John Metchie III is on the roster. As well as Joe Mixon and, oh yeah, CJ Stroud. The Texans have the most fun roster in the league and they might just take it all the way this season. Why not?

Howie’s Div. Winner: Texans.