The 2024 Super Bowl did not disappoint. I did my best to keep my head underwater for the two weeks leading up to the big game. The back and forth analysis and circular arguments are exhausting. I was focused on more important things like the rise of illegal Chinese run pot farms in Maine. Once Sunday came around, I had very little time to prepare after a weekend of skiing. I concocted a haphazard buffalo chicken dip as Charley Hoffman and Nick Taylor battled down the stretch in Phoenix. A little bit of butter, cheese, buffalo sauce, shredded chicken, and cream cheese baked to a bubbly inferno. Easy money. I had just finished cutting carrot sticks along with sourdough bread crusties as Reba McEntire hit the over on the anthem. Luckily, I managed to punch in a wager on the niners ML, and Kyle Juszczyk to record over 24.5 receiving yards. The coin landed on heads, Harrison Butker booted the ball through the endzone, and the game was on. 

I loved the first quarter of this game. Turnovers, sacks, dropped passes, and an 18 yard completion to Mr. Juszczyk fired me up for what was to come. Chris Conley was flying around on special teams and the Chiefs only snapped the ball 7 times on offense, compared to the 49ers 17. Things were looking good for the team out of Santa Clara. But, as the game turned to the 2nd quarter, the 49ers were unable to put enough crooked numbers on the board to scare any Chiefs fan, let alone Patrick Mahomes. 

The second quarter was heated. The 49ers started to put things together and quickly had 10 points on the board. The Chiefs offense continued to stall and they were looking like a 6th grader in gym class who was about to lose a game of kickball for the first time. Travis Kelce was #irate and scared the shit out of Andy Reid on the sideline. The footage was truly shocking. Twitter had fun with that one, among other things. 

I loved seeing Ice Spice in Taylor’s suite. Ms. Ice is so swag. I heard that she offered a deplorable performance on SNL recently, but that’s not her scene anyway. Keep your head up Ice. The world now knows for sure that you are a mover and a shaker. 

I was happy to see that the Mahomes family received very little air time. Perhaps that is due to almost half of them being in active legal hot water. Jackson Mahomes should be in jail, and if this familial trend keeps up we may have to keep an eye on Patrick too. Mrs. Mahomes is a real treat. If you haven’t seen the video of Jackson trying to get into her little area at a concert, only to be denied after asking Brittany for assistance, you NEED to check it out here. Jackson has such an entitled and aghast look on his face. If you’re a good lip reader like myself, you can see that he whispers his go-to sweet nothings into the deaf ear of the security guard, “That’s Patrick Mahomes’s wife, I’m his brother.” Brittany offers the most apathetic shrug of all time and then gets right back to dancing like a girl at a party who thinks everyone is her friend. I’ve watched this video at least 135 times and I actually feel bad for Jackson. Wait, no I don’t hahaha. He is a roach, criminal, bully, and he made his own bed. Someone’s got to make him sleep in it. 

Taylor Swift was seen engaging in some sort of chugging contest on the jumbotron. I can only imagine that she was trying to distract herself from Travis’s on field performance, including the verbal assault of Coach Reid and the meager stat line of 1 catch for 1 yard up to that point in the game (he finished with 9 catches for 93 yards). 

The halftime show crew was hilarious. I didn’t listen to a word of what they said, I was too occupied by the way they looked. Bill Cowher was stunting on all of us in a black velvet suit. James Brown had just come from the barber and was looking fresh as always. Nate Burleson looked truly awful. An oversized robin's egg velvet corduroy blazer with some sort of open collar cloth that was clasped by a piece of silver made him look like a failed broadway actor teaching music classes in an elementary school. JJ Watt looked like a member of NSYNC. At least he had the self-awareness to address the catastrophe on twitter. And Boomer Esiason looked unimpressed by everything that was going on. 

Usher was a treat. For the first time in a while, I felt like there was a real live human performing the halftime show. He was sweating, his mic wasn’t clicking on all cylinders, and he had genuine chemistry with all of his pals that came onstage. Usher gained a fan in me tonight and I can’t wait to listen to his newly released 20 track album, “Coming Home”. 

The second half of the game felt like watching the tide come in while you have a perfect set up on the beach. Patrick Mahomes was Poseidon and Kyle Shanahan was a meager shore elf, trying to pick up his belongings before they got washed away into the abyss. 

I want to be on record that I vehemently dislike the Chiefs. I dislike everything that they have going on. I have mentioned this in previous blogs, but the Chiefs are contradictory in my head. Their stars are so brash and in your face. They always sneak out wins and let you know about it. Or they lose and let you know why they lost (it’s never their fault). But their coach is a seemingly mild mannered mustached man who enjoys cheeseburgers and a nice lazy boy chair where he draws up trick plays on a legal pad. And, they are stationed in Kansas City, …I’ve never been and I will likely only find myself in their airport on my way to a more interesting part of the world. I did sneak a peek at a Chris Jones interview and he seems like a delightful guy, a true gentle giant. 

I like the 49ers. I like their coach and his Cali sweatshirt vibe while doubling as an evil genius scheming up blocking packages that leave linebackers wishing they were playing pickleball. Their uniforms are iconic. Their players are seemingly hard working and focused on the larger goal rather than their own personal success. But, the season slipped away as the second half wore on and everyone in the country had an inkling about how the game would end. 

There was a “partial streaker” on the field. I hope that the pendulum of societal norms will swing back and allow live tv production to display the antics of on field “visitors”, providing that they are properly clothed. Why are we censoring this? It’s the same discussion as banning books. Show the “partial streakers”!

Tony Romo was a little off tonight. I like Tony, but I think the moment got to him a little bit and he resorted to a 7th grade student council speech style of rhetoric. We suffered through a few too many, “This is the moment he’s been dreaming of,” for my liking. Nantz was on point as usual. 

The game unfolded quickly before us. Both teams really woke up in the 4th quarter as they battled the clock. The Chiefs came after Purdy on 3rd downs and their secondary outmatched the skill players of the niners in man coverage. There were a lot of opportunities out there. Of course, Michigan Man Jake Moody missing an extra point added to the stress and probability of OT, and extra football was inevitable when Mahomes had the ball with over a minute and a half left in regulation.

There was chatter about how the 49ers were unaware of the playoff OT rules. How is that possible? Should it have mattered? Did Fred Warner mean to defer the kickoff in OT after they won the toss? We shouldn’t be asking these questions. ESPN talking heads were discussing the idea that Shanahan wanted to have the ball third in OT to control the outcome of the game, which makes some sense. But, they had to score the first touchdown or force the Chiefs into a field goal first, which they did not.

Anyways, OT brought niners a slow death and the winning touchdown caught everyone, including Jim Nantz, by surprise and soon enough the confetti was falling, Mahomes was giving all glory to God, and the NFL season was over. 

The last Super Bowl related thing I saw before I tucked myself into bed was a tweet from President Joe Biden. Check this puppy out: https://twitter.com/JoeBiden/status/1756888470599967000 

What an all time stunt from Mr. Biden. This is so funny on multiple levels. Firstly, this tweet was posted at 10:50 PM. Of course, Joe is not clicking the buttons on this account like his predecessor was. But, I’m pretty sure Joe wasn’t even awake at this time. Or maybe he was? Does Joe sit on the couch and eat potato chips like the rest of us? Does he wear pajamas and eat ice cream cones? 

Secondly, his social team is throwing gas on the right wing meme fire. The laser eyes is a trope found on discussion boards and tweets discussing Biden’s memory and Fancy Pelosi’s stock trades. I wonder how long they have been waiting to lean into this joke. I love it. 

Finally, we have to point out that this tweet’s supposed message of the liberal agenda coming to fruition is flawed. Travis Kelce did not propose on the field, and Taylor did not make a speech endorsing Joe. We’ll have to wait for a different forum for that. 

The Big Game did not disappoint, even though the 49ers couldn’t get the job done. I love the Super Bowl mostly because it brings NFL super fans, casual fans, and disinterested muggles into the same room to watch a football game. The ads are fresh, there is entertainment at half time, and there is bread to be broken amongst friends. It was an exciting end to a wacky year of NFL ball. I wish you all sweet dreams until mini camps ramp up in the spring.